It's been five months since my last post, whoopsy-daisy. Kinda forgot that this blog existed until I realised that I need it more than ever. I know why I stopped writing and that's because I stopped being honest with myself and began to keep things to myself.
At the end of April I lost my Nana Freda very suddenly which had a major impact upon my family and myself as I realised how quickly people can leave us, no warning signs, no questions to her health, nothing. Yet she was very very ill. As she passed I couldn't afford to grieve as I had deadlines at uni so I just submerged myself into my studying. As I finished university for second year I jumped straight into working two summer jobs full-time and that's all my life has been since.
40 hour weeks whilst all my friends jet off on their jollies or go travelling around Africa, America etc. and I'm just spending the summer working and I haven't even saved any of the money, go me. Luckily on my days off I've managed to see a few of my pals, my family and my boyfriend but sadly that wasn't enough to stop me sinking into the hole I now find myself in.
I'm not a happy bunny. I'm not 'happy as barry'. I'm 'depressed', according to my doctor anyway. I shouldn't be because I have such a wonderful boyfriend, some lovely friends and family but yet I still find myself crying almost every day. But until last week, nobody knew. I hadn't told anyone how I felt. I'd continued wearing the mask that I hide behind. At work I'm the loudest girl behind the bar, always trying to make my colleagues and customers laugh, not wanting them to know that on the inside I'm miserable. At home, I would cry whilst my mom and dad slept so that they wouldn't have to deal with me and my silly thoughts/feelings. Around friends I'll laugh and not show a single bit of my true emotions as I'm not the friend that cries. I'm the strong friend. I'm the one who listens to everyone else's problems and knows what to say. I'm the one that will always smile no matter what. But I'm not.
I feel weak. I feel vulnerable. I feel stupid.
I know it's okay to be upset, I will always tell my friends that - but that isn't me. And I suppose one of the reasons why I am now 'depressed' is because I beat myself up for being upset, I feel like a burden. I don't feel like my problems/feelings are worth talking about because I don't have any self-worth. I don't feel worthy of time or a shoulder to cry on. I don't understand why I feel like this but I do.
I suppose I'm gonna use this post to say sorry.
To all my friends I've ignored, abandoned or just been a bad friend to...
I'm sorry for not texting to see how you are or how your summer has been.
I'm sorry for not coming to see you when I promised I would.
I'm sorry for not coming on those nights out that I told you I'd go on.
I'm sorry for not being there when you needed someone to talk to.
I'm sorry for being selfish.
I'm sorry for working all the time and not making time for you.
I'm sorry for being that friend that isn't even really a friend.
I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care or didn't want to see you, I'm just not a good friend and haven't been for a while. It isn't that I don't want to be your friend or that I don't want to spend time with you. I just don't want to be a burden. I didn't want to tell you how I really felt but I suppose that's gone out the window now I've done this post...
I'm doing this post as a motivation kinda thing to get myself out of this hole that I'm in. I want to be happy. I want to go back to the fun-loving, out-going, motivated girl I used to be rather than a hermit who spends my spare time napping or lying in bed all because I don't want to do anything. I need to sort myself out.
So here's a public promise to myself and to all of you who read this. This time next month I am going to be happier. I'm going to try and sort all my insecurities, feelings and issues out so that I can focus on making myself happy again.
All I can say really is a massive thank you and shoutout to my friends and family who have helped support me and love me endlessly, despite me being a sheathed. And the biggest shoutout ever to my boyfriend for being my absolute rock. I'd dread to think how bad I'd be if I didn't have him.
So be patient will me please pals, thank you.
Until next time...
Barry x.
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At the end of April I lost my Nana Freda very suddenly which had a major impact upon my family and myself as I realised how quickly people can leave us, no warning signs, no questions to her health, nothing. Yet she was very very ill. As she passed I couldn't afford to grieve as I had deadlines at uni so I just submerged myself into my studying. As I finished university for second year I jumped straight into working two summer jobs full-time and that's all my life has been since.
40 hour weeks whilst all my friends jet off on their jollies or go travelling around Africa, America etc. and I'm just spending the summer working and I haven't even saved any of the money, go me. Luckily on my days off I've managed to see a few of my pals, my family and my boyfriend but sadly that wasn't enough to stop me sinking into the hole I now find myself in.
I'm not a happy bunny. I'm not 'happy as barry'. I'm 'depressed', according to my doctor anyway. I shouldn't be because I have such a wonderful boyfriend, some lovely friends and family but yet I still find myself crying almost every day. But until last week, nobody knew. I hadn't told anyone how I felt. I'd continued wearing the mask that I hide behind. At work I'm the loudest girl behind the bar, always trying to make my colleagues and customers laugh, not wanting them to know that on the inside I'm miserable. At home, I would cry whilst my mom and dad slept so that they wouldn't have to deal with me and my silly thoughts/feelings. Around friends I'll laugh and not show a single bit of my true emotions as I'm not the friend that cries. I'm the strong friend. I'm the one who listens to everyone else's problems and knows what to say. I'm the one that will always smile no matter what. But I'm not.
I feel weak. I feel vulnerable. I feel stupid.
I know it's okay to be upset, I will always tell my friends that - but that isn't me. And I suppose one of the reasons why I am now 'depressed' is because I beat myself up for being upset, I feel like a burden. I don't feel like my problems/feelings are worth talking about because I don't have any self-worth. I don't feel worthy of time or a shoulder to cry on. I don't understand why I feel like this but I do.
I suppose I'm gonna use this post to say sorry.
To all my friends I've ignored, abandoned or just been a bad friend to...
I'm sorry for not texting to see how you are or how your summer has been.
I'm sorry for not coming to see you when I promised I would.
I'm sorry for not coming on those nights out that I told you I'd go on.
I'm sorry for not being there when you needed someone to talk to.
I'm sorry for being selfish.
I'm sorry for working all the time and not making time for you.
I'm sorry for being that friend that isn't even really a friend.
I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care or didn't want to see you, I'm just not a good friend and haven't been for a while. It isn't that I don't want to be your friend or that I don't want to spend time with you. I just don't want to be a burden. I didn't want to tell you how I really felt but I suppose that's gone out the window now I've done this post...
I'm doing this post as a motivation kinda thing to get myself out of this hole that I'm in. I want to be happy. I want to go back to the fun-loving, out-going, motivated girl I used to be rather than a hermit who spends my spare time napping or lying in bed all because I don't want to do anything. I need to sort myself out.
So here's a public promise to myself and to all of you who read this. This time next month I am going to be happier. I'm going to try and sort all my insecurities, feelings and issues out so that I can focus on making myself happy again.
All I can say really is a massive thank you and shoutout to my friends and family who have helped support me and love me endlessly, despite me being a sheathed. And the biggest shoutout ever to my boyfriend for being my absolute rock. I'd dread to think how bad I'd be if I didn't have him.
So be patient will me please pals, thank you.
Until next time...
Barry x.
