If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?

So yesterday officially marked a month since my "I'm Sorry" post. The post which I opened up and put every single feeling, emotion and deepest darkest secrets into. And in that post I made a promise, to myself and to those who read it, and that promise was that going to "be happier, sort all my insecurities, feelings and issues out so that I can focus on making myself happy again." by today. So I suppose that this is a little update.

It's been a month since I put my heart on the line and proudly I can say - I am feeling a lot better. The reason as to why is because this past month I've learnt the most valuable lesson that I've ever learnt in the whole of my life, and the lesson I've learnt is that I need to..

"Embrace the glorious mess that you are and to fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness."

I'm not gonna make out that I'm 100% back to my normal self but this past month I've realised that I am my own worst enemy. I am the one who believes that "I can't do...", "I'm not good enough to do...", "I'm useless" etc. Nobody has ever told me that I'm not capable of achieving my goals, nobody has told me that I'm not good enough, nobody has ever told me that I'm useless, apart from myself. That little voice in my head is telling me all those things, constantly. However, I've managed to cut friends off over the past how many years, I've managed to ignore people's shit that they try and tell me about myself and now I've finally learnt to ignore that little voice in my head. 

I am strong. I am beautiful (in my own weird way). I am going to graduate from university. I am going to make my family proud. I am gonna live the best life (quote from Abbie Bell, queen). 
I suppose I'm trying to say that I've realised how important the good things in life are compared to the negatives. I mean lets make a list:
Positives:

1. I've got the best family ever.
2. I'm taking control of my degree. I've made the choices that will help me pursue the career I want to, yes it's going to be a struggle n 'alf but I'm more than capable of doing it.
3. I've realised who my real friends are. I don't expect texts 24/7 or every single day I just want to have supportive people around me. Not people that are gonna use my bad days as gossip or not even text me back when I say I need them. But luckily for me, I'm the one with that power so if you're not there for me then give it a week and if we haven't spoken then realise that I'm done with you. You aren't aiding my recovery - you're hindering it.
4. My boyfriend is an absolute king. Nothing else needs to be said. He's the best partner in crime I could ever ask for.

Negatives:

1. I'm on anti-depressants. I've started to ween myself off them as I feel like I don't need them anymore but this is such a huge test for me. I'm determined to overcome this.
2. I feel like a bad friend because I'm very much focused on making myself better.

So as you can see I've got half as many negatives than positives - which is wonderful. I suppose I've realised that I am happy in myself. I've realised what I'm worth and what I'm capable of.

In summary. Compared to this time last month I'm in a better place. Let's hope that in a month's time I'll be in another better place. In the words of RuPaul...

All the love. Barry.