To the people who have made me feel worthless, vile and lonely - this is one for you.

To all the people who’ve made me feel worthless, vile and lonely...

I’d love to tell you I’m upset, but I’m not.

I’d love to tell you that I’m missing you, but I’m not.

I’d love to tell you that I am in need of your friendship, but I’m not.

I’d love to tell you that I feel miserable without you, but I don’t.

I’d love to tell you that I want you back in my life, but I don’t.

I’d love to tell you that I care for you, but I don’t.

I’d love to tell you that I miss you, but I won’t.

I’d love to tell you I’m there you for, but I won’t.

I’d love to tell you that we can fix this, but I won’t.

I’d love to be close with you again, but I can’t.

I’d love to pop round for a cuppa and a catch up, but I can’t.

I’d love to help you solve your problems when you need me, but I can’t. 

I can’t be there anymore for people who aren’t there for me. I won’t allow myself to be there for people who won’t be there for me. I don’t want you to be there for me. I’m not letting you get to me anymore. 

To those of you who have given me worth, love and support, whether we have been friends 10 years or 10 days, I just want to thank YOU for being so supportive, caring and compassionate. For having patience with me, whether we speak every day or every month, that doesn’t matter. Whether you’re a 10 minute drive away or a 10 hour round trip away. You’re there. You’re at the end of the phone or in my local pub - that doesn’t matter. 

Just because people are physically there next to you, that doesn’t mean that they’re “there” for you.

Until next time, 

Barry x

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Self-Esteem, Success and the LomL!

'Ere we go, the annoying wanna-be-blogger is back with another chapter of my life that I'm going to bore you all with!!

6 weeks into 2018 and it's so far so good. Sort of. I'm not getting the grades I want at university, I'm only a couple of marks off the grade I want but I'm determined to pull it out my arse and get the 2:1 I've spent the last two and a half years aiming for. Hopefully I'll manage to pull the cat out the bag. 

ANYWAY!! Enough of the uni crap. This post is going to be all about the good things in life. Well in my life. As I said in my last blogpost, link to that is here, this year is going to be my year - there is no two ways about it. Because "at the end of the day, you control your own happiness" SO THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!! And I'm going to give you all my little tips and positive thoughts that keep me on my positive path. 

Tips n Tricks

1. Well, one of the biggest problems I face in my life is my stupid self-esteem. I'm gonna sound well big-headed now and there's not a nice way that this will come across but here we go. I don't have a low self-esteem because I think I'm ugly. I don't think I'm the next Kardashian or Queen B, that isn't what I'm saying. But I don't dislike the way I look. I think I've got a decent face, me hair's not too bad and my figure is a work in progress. But it don't matter if you're reading this and thinking "looool you're deluded, you're a munter" because I've got a wonderful boyfriend who loves me even when I'm throwing up the 7 pints I drank on a Friday night. My parents are also my biggest fans, even when they dislike my Tinkerbell make-up... but my real problem with my self-esteem is me as a person. I don't understand why I have friends (I mean I've not got many but smaller circles better n all that), I don't understand why my boyfriend is with me either. I am the clingiest, sensitive, selfish, overly-emotive and laziest person I've ever met. I struggle to see the positives in myself in terms of my personality and I think that's because of the way I've been treated/let myself be treated by other people and there's only so many times you can listen to someone completely rip your personality apart and tell you how much they hate you. Anyway. The way in which I'm combating this internal battle is by listening to the people I care about. My parents, George and wonderful friends have had to constantly reassure me and I'm pretty sure they're fed up of doing it now. So I set myself 3 little to-do things a day such as: make someone smile, tell someone I love how important they are to me, try to help people with their problems etc etc etc. and this makes me feel a bit better because it stops me feeling like what I mentioned above.  

2. Surrounding myself with people who want me to succeed. Nothing will drag you down more than people who don't believe in you/want you to be happy. Whether they say "good luck in your exam!" or "you got this!!" when I'm crying/stressing because I can't fathom out what the f*** the 'public sphere' is!! We need to support each other more!! If your friend is looking fire, tell them, if your feeling super blessed to have the best partner ever, tell them!! And so on etc. Don't let anyone stop you from blossoming into the person you're destined to be! 

3. Get yourself a George Hendy. 

Never have I ever met a human being who is so supportive, loving, kind, wonderful, funny (sometimes), thoughtful and selfless in my whole life. He tolerates everything: my low self-esteem, neediness, terrible sense of humour, long-winded stories which never have any end to them and my hungover state every Sunday morning. I will have days when I hate everything about myself or doubt myself and he picks me right back up. Never known someone be able to listen to and tolerate so much moaning until I met him. 

I owe him everything and I can't wait to see what our future holds, especially our holiday to Egypt this year!! Having a partner who loves you, supports you and values you is something which I never thought I'd have but he really has changed my life. 

Don't settle for anything less than the best, I did for a long time and it ruined me but luckily I found my partner in crime. 

So I'm gonna leave you with that. Get you someone who values, adores and supports you. Push yourself in everything you do. And start to love yourself! Then maybe you'll feel better (I hope!)

Until next time,

Barry x 

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