To the people who have made me feel worthless, vile and lonely - this is one for you.

To all the people who’ve made me feel worthless, vile and lonely...

I’d love to tell you I’m upset, but I’m not.

I’d love to tell you that I’m missing you, but I’m not.

I’d love to tell you that I am in need of your friendship, but I’m not.

I’d love to tell you that I feel miserable without you, but I don’t.

I’d love to tell you that I want you back in my life, but I don’t.

I’d love to tell you that I care for you, but I don’t.

I’d love to tell you that I miss you, but I won’t.

I’d love to tell you I’m there you for, but I won’t.

I’d love to tell you that we can fix this, but I won’t.

I’d love to be close with you again, but I can’t.

I’d love to pop round for a cuppa and a catch up, but I can’t.

I’d love to help you solve your problems when you need me, but I can’t. 

I can’t be there anymore for people who aren’t there for me. I won’t allow myself to be there for people who won’t be there for me. I don’t want you to be there for me. I’m not letting you get to me anymore. 

To those of you who have given me worth, love and support, whether we have been friends 10 years or 10 days, I just want to thank YOU for being so supportive, caring and compassionate. For having patience with me, whether we speak every day or every month, that doesn’t matter. Whether you’re a 10 minute drive away or a 10 hour round trip away. You’re there. You’re at the end of the phone or in my local pub - that doesn’t matter. 

Just because people are physically there next to you, that doesn’t mean that they’re “there” for you.

Until next time, 

Barry x

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Self-Esteem, Success and the LomL!

'Ere we go, the annoying wanna-be-blogger is back with another chapter of my life that I'm going to bore you all with!!

6 weeks into 2018 and it's so far so good. Sort of. I'm not getting the grades I want at university, I'm only a couple of marks off the grade I want but I'm determined to pull it out my arse and get the 2:1 I've spent the last two and a half years aiming for. Hopefully I'll manage to pull the cat out the bag. 

ANYWAY!! Enough of the uni crap. This post is going to be all about the good things in life. Well in my life. As I said in my last blogpost, link to that is here, this year is going to be my year - there is no two ways about it. Because "at the end of the day, you control your own happiness" SO THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!! And I'm going to give you all my little tips and positive thoughts that keep me on my positive path. 

Tips n Tricks

1. Well, one of the biggest problems I face in my life is my stupid self-esteem. I'm gonna sound well big-headed now and there's not a nice way that this will come across but here we go. I don't have a low self-esteem because I think I'm ugly. I don't think I'm the next Kardashian or Queen B, that isn't what I'm saying. But I don't dislike the way I look. I think I've got a decent face, me hair's not too bad and my figure is a work in progress. But it don't matter if you're reading this and thinking "looool you're deluded, you're a munter" because I've got a wonderful boyfriend who loves me even when I'm throwing up the 7 pints I drank on a Friday night. My parents are also my biggest fans, even when they dislike my Tinkerbell make-up... but my real problem with my self-esteem is me as a person. I don't understand why I have friends (I mean I've not got many but smaller circles better n all that), I don't understand why my boyfriend is with me either. I am the clingiest, sensitive, selfish, overly-emotive and laziest person I've ever met. I struggle to see the positives in myself in terms of my personality and I think that's because of the way I've been treated/let myself be treated by other people and there's only so many times you can listen to someone completely rip your personality apart and tell you how much they hate you. Anyway. The way in which I'm combating this internal battle is by listening to the people I care about. My parents, George and wonderful friends have had to constantly reassure me and I'm pretty sure they're fed up of doing it now. So I set myself 3 little to-do things a day such as: make someone smile, tell someone I love how important they are to me, try to help people with their problems etc etc etc. and this makes me feel a bit better because it stops me feeling like what I mentioned above.  

2. Surrounding myself with people who want me to succeed. Nothing will drag you down more than people who don't believe in you/want you to be happy. Whether they say "good luck in your exam!" or "you got this!!" when I'm crying/stressing because I can't fathom out what the f*** the 'public sphere' is!! We need to support each other more!! If your friend is looking fire, tell them, if your feeling super blessed to have the best partner ever, tell them!! And so on etc. Don't let anyone stop you from blossoming into the person you're destined to be! 

3. Get yourself a George Hendy. 

Never have I ever met a human being who is so supportive, loving, kind, wonderful, funny (sometimes), thoughtful and selfless in my whole life. He tolerates everything: my low self-esteem, neediness, terrible sense of humour, long-winded stories which never have any end to them and my hungover state every Sunday morning. I will have days when I hate everything about myself or doubt myself and he picks me right back up. Never known someone be able to listen to and tolerate so much moaning until I met him. 

I owe him everything and I can't wait to see what our future holds, especially our holiday to Egypt this year!! Having a partner who loves you, supports you and values you is something which I never thought I'd have but he really has changed my life. 

Don't settle for anything less than the best, I did for a long time and it ruined me but luckily I found my partner in crime. 

So I'm gonna leave you with that. Get you someone who values, adores and supports you. Push yourself in everything you do. And start to love yourself! Then maybe you'll feel better (I hope!)

Until next time,

Barry x 

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Don't get bitter... get better.

Iya, hope you all had a mint Christmas and New Year n all that jazz. If you were lucky enough to have Christmas off - I hate you, but despite working the majority of the festive period I still had a marvy time.
It's been just over a month since my last post, if you read it you'll be pleased to know I did manage to submit my university assignments that were due. I just now have an exam at the end of the month and then my w o n d e r f u l  13,000 word dissertation and another magazine to create by May - buzzin.

Anyhow. I managed to buy my boyfriend's Christmas present - we're going away for the weekend in February with our friends Josh & Hollie and I cannot wait. Despite me being fully aware that this year is gonna be pure hell until May at least, I am pretty certain that this year is going to be the best one yet...

First things first, this year is the year I (hopefully) graduate from university!!! First and second year were mint, had a right old laugh and enjoyed spending my spare time in the uni pub, spoons and Snobs. Third year has been a big sloppy turd. The workload is completely unmanageable unless you limit yourself to 5 hours sleep a night. The word dissertation makes me wanna cry and I am certainly not ready to be crackin' on with mine. I genuinely think it would be easier to learn Polish. But p o s i t i v e  v i b e s...
I do think I'll do it, if I can make it this far I'm sure I can pull this out of thin air too and then graduate with my favs.

Second reason as to why this year will be the best one yet is because it's the year I become a fully-fledged woman. I make the transition into adulthood as I will be turning 21! This doesn't sound like a big deal to you but considering I've been trying to blag that I'm "twen-teen" rather than 20 because I can't deal with not being a teenager anymore. So 21 is like actually gotta sort my life out. But, I am excited about this god-awful-teenager-to-middle-aged-hag birthday because I will be spending it in Egypt with my better half!!

I haven't been on a proper relaxing holiday for years so I can't wait to have lazy days in the sunshine, go on a camel and push George in the pool (hehe). It is definitely motivating me to smash my university tripe out.

Third reason that this is going to be my year. I've done the stupid-ass, generic New Year's resolution that everyone tries to do every year and finally rejoined the gym. I should never of stopped going but I got comfortable in my relationship and picked Papa John's over pilates and now I look like a pot-bellied pig. But this will change!!  I'm not setting unrealistic goals of trying to lose 3 stone, I just want to lose 8 pounds and be more toned by June - this is reasonable and doable as long as I stop stuffing my face with pizza and a enough Chinese food to feed a family of 4 which me and George somehow demolish between the two of us. My family and friends reading this will shout at me for saying this but hey ho - it's my bod I will do as I please.
I feel better when I go to the gym, physically and mentally. It makes me feel so much better about my life - I do not know why but it does...

Fourth and final reason as to why this year will will be MY YEAR  is because I've promised myself (and my gyal Ash), that this year will be full of positivity because I've not got time for nails. Effort to go into detail but all I will say is...

POSITIVE PEOPLE ONLY IN 2018. 

So that's it. I think... if you've made it this far I hope you've realised that I've used gifs of RuPaul Drag Queens throughout this article so appreciate it...

I'm going to love and leave you with Alyssia Edwards's famous words...

Until next time,
Barry x.

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young dumb n broke

So it's been 6 week since my last post which means it's been 10 weeks since I had my meltdown. Since then  so much has changed in my life and I'm still trying to figure out whether some is for the better or worse...

I'm back at university, third year and all and safe to say I hate it, but I'm slowing plodding along. I've got a month and two days to create a magazine and write 3,000 words for my journalism module - eyyyyyy. After Christmas I will feel a lot more at ease as I'll have less assignments due etc. but anyway that's not what you're here to nose about.
I've cut my hours down at work whilst back at uni which has helped in the sense of being able to study and stuff but a bit pants for me as I'm skint. I'm so used to earning £180-£200 a week and now it's like £45 a week but I love my job more than ever so I can't really moan. It's just hard because Christmas is 19 days away, I've gotta finish sorting my boyfriend's present and try and sort a lil present for the rest of the family but here I am flogging 17 DVDs and 4 box-sets for the sake of £20.

I miss being able to work 40 hours a week, I miss not having to have to do university assignments and I miss having uni deadlines before Xmas. I know for a fact that even though I break up for Christmas from university tomorrow I ain't gonna stop over Christmas because I've picked up shifts at work and have so many different assignments to do, I'm going to be eating my Christmas dinner whilst planning my next layout for my magazine.

ANYWAY, so I've kinda addressed how I'm broke...

Let's address how I'm dumb. I settle for bare shit off people that I shouldn't have to. I've got friends who only speak to me once a month even though I see them a couple times a week. I've got good friends don't get me wrong, GR8K8 & Trash are ma HUNS!! yes we have our bickers n disagreements but these two will always tell me what's what so thanks B's.

Let's start with Trashy Ashy - the biggest nail I've ever met. Ash is that girl that you'll tell her not to do something - SO SHE WILL DEFINITELY DO IT, even if I told her not to jump off a bridge, just cos I told her not to do it - she would.
But my Trashy gyal needs to just remember how much of a queen she is n how much of a beaut she is. She also needs to listen to me more cos she's the most stubborn git I've ever met. LISTEN MORE TO YOUR PALS N NOT TO ASSHOLES!!!!

GR8K8 is also a hun!!! Firstly, Kate is demanding a shoutout to Nanny Marg and Bossman n the endless English brekkies we have before we take Bossman on PARKOUR!!!! K8Y KAK is a complete darl, she gives people the biggest carrots ever and will be that friend that spends more than her life savings on make-up just to ensure she looks flames. She is also the best twerker ever. She will also allow you to reminisce on your childhood with videos such as the Bear n The Lion...

Both of them really are the best listeners and pals I've had in a long time just because they're so honest n truthful n that is what I need cos I can be a pain in the ass 90% of the time.

ENOUGH ABOUT THEM.

Me being young. Being young is a weird thing to talk about but I think it's the hardest thing I struggle with lmao. Me and Trash and Kate are all the same age but me n Kate chose uni whereas Ash chose to work. It kills me when Ash gets paid bare money a month and I just about get £300 a month now cos I've had to drop my hours.

My biggest regret in life is going to uni. Purely because I hate how skint I am. I know I could get a mega good job at the end of it but it's such a struggle and I'm so shit at this uni life like idk even if I'm gonna pass this year.

Despite all my negativity I really am super lucky to have such an amazing family and friends by my side. And also, my fave human ever...

George is my absolute rock. He will settle for my shitty rants, my low-self esteem and me forever saying I don't deserve him. I will moan to him 75% of the time about bare different problems that haven't even got anything to do with him. I owe him my life, my heart and loyalty because this past year he has kept me sane. I can't wait till I finish university so I can actually devote time to him and my pals and family.

So despite being young, dumb and broke I'm still happy and blessed and in love with my life. 

My next post will be my 2017 summary. 

Until next time, Barry. x

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