I'm sorry.

It's been five months since my last post, whoopsy-daisy. Kinda forgot that this blog existed until I realised that I need it more than ever. I know why I stopped writing and that's because I stopped being honest with myself and began to keep things to myself.

At the end of April I lost my Nana Freda very suddenly which had a major impact upon my family and myself as I realised how quickly people can leave us, no warning signs, no questions to her health, nothing. Yet she was very very ill. As she passed I couldn't afford to grieve as I had deadlines at uni so I just submerged myself into my studying. As I finished university for second year I jumped straight into working two summer jobs full-time and that's all my life has been since.

40 hour weeks whilst all my friends jet off on their jollies or go travelling around Africa, America etc. and I'm just spending the summer working and I haven't even saved any of the money, go me. Luckily on my days off I've managed to see a few of my pals, my family and my boyfriend but sadly that wasn't enough to stop me sinking into the hole I now find myself in.

I'm not a happy bunny. I'm not 'happy as barry'. I'm 'depressed', according to my doctor anyway. I shouldn't be because I have such a wonderful boyfriend, some lovely friends and family but yet I still find myself crying almost every day. But until last week, nobody knew. I hadn't told anyone how I felt. I'd continued wearing the mask that I hide behind. At work I'm the loudest girl behind the bar, always trying to make my colleagues and customers laugh, not wanting them to know that on the inside I'm miserable. At home, I would cry whilst my mom and dad slept so that they wouldn't have to deal with me and my silly thoughts/feelings. Around friends I'll laugh and not show a single bit of my true emotions as I'm not the friend that cries. I'm the strong friend. I'm the one who listens to everyone else's problems and knows what to say. I'm the one that will always smile no matter what. But I'm not.

I feel weak. I feel vulnerable. I feel stupid.

I know it's okay to be upset,  I will always tell my friends that - but that isn't me. And I suppose one of the reasons why I am now 'depressed' is because I beat myself up for being upset, I feel like a burden. I don't feel like my problems/feelings are worth talking about because I don't have any self-worth. I don't feel worthy of time or a shoulder to cry on. I don't understand why I feel like this but I do.

I suppose I'm gonna use this post to say sorry.

To all my friends I've ignored, abandoned or just been a bad friend to...

I'm sorry for not texting to see how you are or how your summer has been.
I'm sorry for not coming to see you when I promised I would.
I'm sorry for not coming on those nights out that I told you I'd go on.
I'm sorry for not being there when you needed someone to talk to.
I'm sorry for being selfish.
I'm sorry for working all the time and not making time for you.
I'm sorry for being that friend that isn't even really a friend.

I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care or didn't want to see you, I'm just not a good friend and haven't been for a while. It isn't that I don't want to be your friend or that I don't want to spend time with you. I just don't want to be a burden. I didn't want to tell you how I really felt but I suppose that's gone out the window now I've done this post...

I'm doing this post as a motivation kinda thing to get myself out of this hole that I'm in. I want to be happy. I want to go back to the fun-loving, out-going, motivated girl I used to be rather than a hermit who spends my spare time napping or lying in bed all because I don't want to do anything. I need to sort myself out.

So here's a public promise to myself and to all of you who read this. This time next month I am going to be happier. I'm going to try and sort all my insecurities, feelings and issues out so that I can focus on making myself happy again.

All I can say really is a massive thank you and shoutout to my friends and family who have helped support me and love me endlessly, despite me being a sheathed. And the biggest shoutout ever to my boyfriend for being my absolute rock. I'd dread to think how bad I'd be if I didn't have him.

So be patient will me please pals, thank you.

Until next time...

Barry x.

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That's when it hurts...

Haven't done a post for almost 2 months, oops but this is one that I see relevant to others at this moment in time.
Lately, my friends, acquaintances and people I follow on social media all seem to be upset as their relationships have finished/fallen apart. I constantly see tweets, statuses and have conversations about how shit relationships are/how upset they are now that it's over. Luckily for me I'm the happiest I've ever been and I couldn't be any more grateful for what I have but it's horrible to see people coming out of/being in shit relationships and not being able to do anything to help. Now this blog post probably won't help, it may even make some of you cry (if anyone reads it lol). But what you need to realise is that it will get better even though it may get worse at the start.

You can front it out all you want. Go out, shag about, get drunk, distract yourself with work/studying. Doing anything you can to ignore the pain you feel. But there are many times that you won't be able to block out this pain but that's okay. It's okay not to be okay. You can think you're over it, you're okay on your own but there will be some little things that happen as time passes that will rip your heart out.

So here it goes:

When you wake up in a morning and don't have the 'good morning text', that's when it hurts. When you drive past their house/road and go to pop in for a cuppa and a cuddle but realise you can't, that's when it hurts. When you find their t-shirt that you used to sleep in, that's when it hurts. When you see a video on Facebook that you know they'd love, that's when it hurts. When that song comes on that you used to belt out at the top of your lungs no matter where you were, that's when it hurts. When you go to a family meal and they're not by your side, that's when it hurts. When you realise that you've lost their family as well as them, that's when it hurts. When you pass an exam/get promoted at work and you can't share your happiness with them, that's when it hurts. When you've had a shit day and just want a cuddle but they aren't there anymore, that's when it hurts. When there's no longer 'their side of the bed', that's when it hurts. When you go to sleep on your own, that's when it hurts. When you see them happy without you, that's when it hurts. When they move on, that's when it kills you.

But..

Once you've faced all these things, you will be fine. You might feel like you've lost your right arm, you can't imagine their life without them. But there was a life before them, and there will be one after if you do sadly break up. You don't need someone to make you happy, it's a bonus that they do. Yet, there is a reason you broke up. People change, sometimes for the better, others for the worst. But these changes will impact upon the relationship.

Surround yourself with people that do make you happy. That support you and love you. And if it was meant to be, it would have been.

You will be happy, even on your own so just remember - it's not the end of the world.

Keep your head up and believe in yourself.

Until next time,

Barry x.

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The Real MVP (it's me lol)

So my last post was all about not regretting your mistakes and to take control of your own happiness and for once, I've kinda listened to myself.
I can definitely say that I am currently the happiest I've been in a very very long time. I mean I'm stressed as hell with uni assignments and my big D proposal coming up next week, quite frankly I'm touching cloth just thinking about it now but anyway, despite this I am super duper happy. I finally feel like I'm in charge and full control of my happiness, choices and I very much do things for myself now rather than others. Please don't assume I've turned into a selfish arsehole, I haven't, I'm just doing the things I want to do...

I used to be a right tit and suffer with that "fear of missing out" crap so I would go out up town/to the pub/for meals when I couldn't afford it and even when I didn't want to go because I worried I'd be left out. If the uni lot were going to the pub on an hour break when I was in class I'd worry that I was missing out on something as big as the general election. How bloody stupid is that? If you're like that then I'm sorry and please listen to me, just stop it. I've learnt to juggle my time and divide it between friends, family, working two jobs, attending university as well as keeping on top of my work and at the minute, it's going well but, it's also flying by.
In bed this morning I realised that it was March next week - I finish my second year of university at the end of April, I'm twenty in June - T W E N T Y . I still feel 17 not in 2017. Now I don't hate many things, my main hate is stickers on cars (DJBJ can vouch for me, they're the worst) but I absolutely hate the thought of getting old and losing people. My little brother is sixteen next month, I tell everyone that he's 12 because in my head, he is, and that's because I refuse to accept that we're growing up. I'm like a female, not so young-looking, with only a few friends rather than a tribe of lost boys - Peter Pan. I mean, I know I'm getting older and a lot more maturer in the sense of the things I do, the way I behave etc. but I know that in 12 months time I'll be coming to the end of university and have to go out in the real world and get a real job.
Am I ready for that? Is Michael Jackson alive? No, not a chance.

But, I've decided that I'm just going to focus on the present. Get my head down, finish my second year of university, juggle my social life and not worry about things that won't matter to me in a years time.
Everything is changing. I'm changing, you're changing, we are all changing quicker than petrol prices and we just need to get on with it.
Happiness is key and if your idea of happiness is a Friday night watching a film and eating a Chinese then do it, or if you'd rather go down the pub, do it. Whatever it is that you do with your time/money/presence then make sure it's what you want to do because all that FOMO crap just makes you waste money and time that you don't have, trust me I've done it. I'm not saying turn into a hermit crab and don't go out or do things, just make sure you're putting yourself and your needs first, like you know I really need to go ice skating... Don't do things because you want to please others, they'll be happy if you're happy and if their not then...

So in summary:

1. FOMO is BS. 
2. I'm not ready to grow up.
3. Be selfish and do your thing.
4. By the time I do another blog post I need to have gone ice skating. 

Until next time, 

Barry. x 

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What's the plan, Stan?

When we're growing up our parents tell us all the same thing (mine did anyway), you go to school/college/uni, get your qualifications, get a job, find a partner, get married, have kids and watch them grow whilst you wait to die. That is what all the films, society and peers tell us to do, but it isn't as black and white as that is it. I mean look at the film 'Gone Girl' (SPOILER ALERT) you're watching it thinking, oh fart Batman has gone and killed his wife and is trying to cover it but it turns out she's a bloody nutter whose trying to frame her husband for her murder cos he cheated on her. Not that that's ever happened to me but I swear it's relevant. What I'm trying to say is that we never know what's round the corner but the issue with society today is that we expect to be able to control every single aspect of our lives and if we don't manage to do this then we've failed, NO. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. 

We're only human. We can't control what happens. Even the weatherman can't get the weather right because we're only human, it's okay to make mistakes. I've made many many many mistakes but do I regret them? Not a single bit. Because that's what shapes us as a person, our decisions we make, our outlook on life etc. But even though I've made many mistakes, a lot of unexpected positives/spontaneous decisions have been the best moments in my life. For example:

• Got my A-Level results, realised "oh christ, I've actually passed my A-Levels, maybe I should do something with this rather than work full time in a pub." Ended up on a Media & Communications degree at BCU, best decision of my life. Met the best people in the world & I'm some how on the way to getting a 2:1 in my degree. I literally opened my exam results, rang BCU and 5 minutes later I was going to uni. (Mom and Dad were v v v surprised/scared but here we are a year and a half later.)
• Grampy died. Yes I'm mentioning this again, sorry not even sorry. This was the only death in the family that I've ever experienced and definitely one of the worst. However, it's made me realise how important family are and how grateful we need to be to have those we love around us. I didn't expect it, none of us did but it's definitely made me realise that we do need to live every day like it's our last. 
• Resigning from my old job. Wasn't really my choice but hey ho. I thought that job was the best job of my life, I was going to work there full time, I'd planned it all. However, the tide changed and I was a state, didn't have a job, no money - it genuinely was sh*te but now I'm in two jobs that I love. With the best colleagues that are like families I never had. Good pay, positive work environment, I've got to know regulars etc. and it's grand but I genuinely thought at the time that I was going to be on the dole for the rest of my life - which is not the life for me. 
• Meeting George. (Here's when I get bent so sorry). Never ever ever did I see myself with anyone. Purely because I don't rate myself in the slightest, I'm gobby, selfish, self-centred and a pretty crap human-being but somehow I've found someone who will tolerate me (don't know how or why but here we are). I am not the kinda person that invests myself in people purely because they always end up either

1. Doing me over.
2. Getting bored of me.
3. I get bored of them.

• Not that I'm high-maintaince or anything cos I really ain't but I get scared of getting attached because they always end up leaving but somehow I got lucky and met one of the best human-beings I've ever met who listens to my waffle & is super supportive of everything I've done/do and I genuinely couldn't be anymore grateful. But, it literally came from nowhere. We met one night and it's all gone up from there which is not what I expected at all, but I'm certainly not complaining.

I suppose the whole point of this is me trying to say, don't let the bad days get you down. Whether you've been sacked from your job, failed a uni module (GG), fell out with a friend etc. because, I know it's a cliché but, everything happens for a reason, it's all about how you pick yourself and get back on that shetland pony.
Even though we'd like to, we can't plan everything in our lives, we can't control the weather, global warming or how we'll leave the earth but what we can do is control our happiness, our decisions, who we spend time with, the music we listen to, what we spend money on etc. So as long as you're happy in the moment (and it's not illegal) then bloody do it.
Take a leaf out of my Grampy's book and be happy and live every day like it's you're last, because for all we know, it might be.

Happiness is a man-made thing so make your own.

All the love, until next time,

Barry x

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