So I know this blog's called 'happyasbarry' so I'm supposed to try and do happy posts but this one is going to throw a spanner in the works. If you're a tear-jerker then leave now because it's gonna be sad in parts.
Sounds silly but I'm one of those people that
always tries to act/be happy because I don't like bringing people down but bottling up really doesn't help, so I'm gonna let it all out now. Those of you who know me will know that I'm usually a happy, buzzed, confident kinda girl but sometimes I get sad, very,
very sad. There's only one thing that won't leave my mind and it probably never will but that thing is the death of my Grampy.
Now I'm not saying I don't love my other family members because I do, my Mom, Dad & brother are like my best friends but my Granddad Ray was the apple of my eye. My oldest childhood memories are full of him as are the majority of other memories I have from when growing up and that's because he & my Nanny Mary played such an important role in my life.
When I was younger Mom and Dad both used to work full-time jobs so Gramps and Nan would pick me and Tom up from nursery/school so I'd see them 6 out of 7 days a week (Sunday's were always spent with them too) and used to spend the whole of summer with them so they became secondary parents. I always remember in the Spring we would walk to the top of the road by my primary school and I'd stand under the blossom trees and Gramps would shake the branches so I got showered in petals and just laugh and dance whilst he did too. Then we'd get home and he'd always make some crazy concoction of ice cream, chocolates and sweets and I used to have to sneakily eat it otherwise Nan would shout at him.
As a family we would go on holiday for 2 weeks every summer and safe to say, those holiday's were the best holiday's I've ever had. One holiday Granddad got food poisoning and I woke up and his lips were that swollen he looked like Angelina Jolie. There was never a dull moment with Granddad around.
But now their are dull moments, and quite a few of them. I miss when he used to get Tom's 'Action Man' stuck in the oak tree in the garden so he'd throw brooms, rakes and all-sorts up there trying to free it - which failed to work meaning he had to get on the shed roof and remove like 20 items by the end of it. I miss the times when used to throw me and catch me and then the time I knocked the clock off the wall and it cracked his head open (honestly the geez was so unlucky.) But the thing I miss the most is the happiness he brought.
My Dad and Granddad's relationship was like nothing I've ever seen. They were two peas in a pod. And I know Dad won't mind me saying this but they were best friends and they're my best friends too. Gramps always brought us happiness and it was just effortless, he just beamed of it. His contagious laugh and warm smile was like no other.
The love he and my Nan shared was admirable. They used to bicker like every couple did but we all knew neither of them meant it, they were just so in love.
The man was just a delight to have. He was so loving, compassionate and warm. He treated anyone like his own and was so selfless. He treated my Mom like a daughter he never had. He loved everyone and anyone. He was a real hard-working man, and lived a very busy and jam-packed life. Worked hard for himself and his family and he should be very proud because he is everything I want to be and more.
The reason why all this ramble is coming out now is because
1. It's something I feel like I need to say.
2. Christmas is on the way.
Now I bloody love Christmas but nobody loved it more than Granddad. Every year he would plaster the house in trimmings from tinsel to tree's to singing mice in a stocking - Granddad went all out. Every year we would watch Home Alone 1 & 2 at least 20 times during the festive period. We would know (I still know) it word for word and cry with laughter throughout the films like it was our first time watching them. We'd eat rum truffles and sing our hearts out to Boney M Mary's Boy Child whilst dancing round the kitchen. He and Dad would dress up as Santa on Christmas day for me and Tom, it was magical. But that doesn't happen anymore, because he's not here.
Don't get me wrong, I still have a brilliant Christmas with my wonderful family, but it isn't the same. The magic has gone because Gramps has gone.
I'll never forget the day he got diagnosed with cancer, because that was the day he should of died. I don't mean that in the sense of I wanted him to die but he defied every single odd to survive that day. We/he didn't know he had cancer and his bowel burst, meaning that all the wastage in his body was in his blood stream, basically meaning he has blood poisoning and the cancer & waste was being pumped around his body. That day was April 12th 2011. The doctors told my parents to expect the worst, there was a very likely chance that he wouldn't see the day through, he lived for almost 3 years after that day. Sadly, in the end it killed him but he fought and fought through so much treatment and pain for 3 years to watch me and Tom grow into the people we are now.
This is going to sound very selfish but I wish he could of held of just a bit longer. He died on July 24th 2013. I was 16. Thankfully he lived to see me leave school & do him proud and got to see me turn 16 but there was still so much he has missed/will miss.
We always used to say that he'd teach me how to drive, he'd be there on my wedding day to see Dad give me away. He'd meet my children and be the best Great-Granddad a child could ask for, but sadly, he had to go.
It's still so raw. That might be because this is the first death I've had to experience but it was definitely one of the worst because he was so important to me. But I know he's still here, and still in my heart and mind forever but I'd do anything for one more day. One more conversation. One more laugh. But I can't have that.
I suppose the reason why I've done this blog-post is because I see a lot of things on social media of people moaning about their families or I see that people don't appreciate having their loved ones still with them and that really does upset me because I don't want them to feel the way I do now. I used to see Gramp 3/4 times a week towards the end of his life but for me I wish I'd spent more time. The last time I saw him was mine and his joint Birthday meal in July 2013, I didn't see him after that. I just want to say that I'm sorry if I've let you down Gramp. I hope I haven't and that you're always in my heart and mind. I'll never forget you and I'm eternally grateful for the memories and times we shared.
Just please, those of you who are reading this, make the most of the time you have with people, especially at Christmas.
Merry Christmas as always Gramps. (early I know).
Thank you for everything, love and miss you always.
I hope I haven't made anyone cry with this so sorry if I have, I promise the next one will be happier.
Until next time,
Barry x.
